Can I see?

A heartbreaking loss

To bring my blog up to date I need to write about what has been happening recently. Which may explain some of the neglect.

Back in April I found out I was pregnant. I was delighted after being advised I'd find it difficult or impossible to ever have children. An early scan brought even more good news as they located 2 heartbeats at 6 weeks, and then another scan at 8 weeks showed them getting bigger and developing. They each had their own sacs and placentas which meant that they weren't identical twins.

I did a properly stupid thing and started telling people, I couldn't help it. What's more it was getting hard to hide my nausea from work colleagues and friends and my tummy was getting rounder by the day. At nearly 10 weeks I went to look round a house for sale and the vendor asked me when my baby was due.

The best thing was telling my parents, they'd long since given up on me producing grandchildren so sharing my scan photos was very exciting and my dad was over the moon at the forthcoming arrivals. I started ordering books on twins from Amazon and bought some maternity clothes and started searching online for double buggies.

At almost 13 weeks disaster struck, I regular check up was scheduled and the nurse said they would take another scan, at first this wasn't going to take place due to the 6 week and 8 week scans. The sonographer was very quiet, and then said, "I'm sorry, your baby isn't moving."

It was the most horrific thing seeing my dead baby lying on the screen, whilst next to it, a brother or sister kicked and wriggled away. The sonographer sought a second opinion who confirmed that the fetus (can't be a baby) was dead.

The last week has just been total shock and I feel such a fool:

• I didn't look after myself and my babies well enough
• I told people before it was safe to do so
• I ordered books and looked for equipment therefore tempting fate
• My healthy baby had taken over and not allowed the other baby to grow and develop.

I wanted both babies so much, I was delighted that I'd go from the posssibilty of never ever having children to an immediate family. My children would always have friends forever.

My consultant who saw me for some operations last year came to see me and told me to be focussed on the positive I have a baby alive and growing who all being well is due 15th December. However, I can't forget the image of the dead brother or sister that I will never get to meet, who I wanted so much, who I didn't protect.

They told me the dead fetus will just fall away and perhaps it's my imagination but my tummy feels smaller and less firm, as if it has gone. I want to feel positive but it hurts so much to think how the baby died and I had no idea.

I'm off work for a few days to get my head together I think they were worried about me having some kind of breakdown in the office. I just feel incredibly foolish and sooo very sad.

posted by Pixie @ 3:17 PM